It can be scary for children to see their parents cry. But if you try to be strong instead, even infants and toddlers will be able to sense your real feelings. It's better for them to see you cry. You might say, "I'm thinking about Grandma, and it's making me sad. I'll be okay in a few minutes."

Just because a child doesn't seem sad doesn't mean she isn't. And just because her grief comes in spurts -- she's upset one minute, cheerful the next -- doesn't mean it's insincere. Before age 6, most kids can't comprehend what we take for granted: that death is irreversible. They expect the person to come back, and so, as tough as it is, you need to keep reminding them of the sad truth.

One of the biggest fears children have, however, is that you're going to die too. This is particularly true when another family member has passed away unexpectedly. A child might think, "If Uncle Steve could die, so could Dad." Your child may ask you point-blank if you're going to die, but if he doesn't, you should assume that he's thinking it and find some way to address the issue. You might say, "Some kids worry when a grandparent dies that their parents might die too. I want you to know that I plan to be here until I'm really old and you're all grown up." If your child can make a connection between Grandma's death and your health -- she was a smoker and died of lung cancer and you also smoke -- put as positive a spin on things as possible without lying ("I know you worry about my smoking. It's something I need to give serious thought to").

• Don't describe dying as going to sleep and never waking up. "I guarantee you'll have a child with sleep problems on your hands," Dr. Ware says. Instead, say, "Uncle Jim's body stopped working, and it won't start working again."
• Try not to oversell heaven. Telling a child that God wanted his sister in heaven because she was so good, for instance, can inspire the child to be purposefully naughty so God won't want him or -- at the other extreme -- to become exceedingly obedient so that God will want him. If your beliefs include a heaven, Dr. Ware suggests, say, "When someone dies, we bury their whole body. But their spirit, the part of them that makes them so special, goes to heaven. It also stays alive in our memories."
• Ask your child if he wants to go to the funeral. If you keep him from a funeral because you're worried that the experience will be upsetting, he may just feel excluded. If you think your child would be mature enough to participate in a wedding, he'll be able to attend a funeral, Dr. Matthews says. But if he doesn't want to go, don't force him. A child under age 6 should probably not attend a wake, says Maria Trozzi, director of the Good Grief Program at Boston Medical Center. "Few kids this young can make sense of how a dead body looks." (If you plan to take your child to a funeral, find out whether it will be open casket.)
• Tell your child what to expect at the funeral. For instance, you might say, "The whole family will be together to share our sadness." Include specific details, such as what the room will look like, where the body will be, and what it will sound like ("People may laugh because they remember something funny Grandpa said, or they'll cry because they miss him").
• Remember the relationship. Talk about the person who has died to help give your child a sense of closure, Dr. Matthews suggests. Remember special moments they shared -- the time he and Grandma baked a blueberry pie or went horseback riding -- and encourage an older child to write a letter to the loved one and read it out loud. A child may include apologies ("I'm sorry I didn't always write thank-you notes when you gave me presents, Grandma") or words of forgiveness ("I forgive you for not letting me watch TV when I slept over"), Dr. Matthews says. Although kids express their emotions in different ways, you may find, as Genie Ware did, that your children can handle their grief more effectively than you'd expected.

When a character in a book dies, it's a good opportunity to ask your child, "What do you think it means to be dead?" Books are easier for young kids to digest than movies because they're less graphic. However, many young kids' initial exposure to death is from watching videos, such as The Lion King. The death of Simba's father -- and the notion that a parent can die -- can be overwhelming. It's best to keep those types of videos away from children under 5. If they do see them, validate their feelings: "It's okay to feel sad."

Children's first personal experience with death is often when a pet passes away. You should discuss the subject the same way you would if a relative had died. Don't offer to buy a new pet right away; the animal may have been your child's closest friend, and offering to get him a new one belittles the importance of their special relationship, notes Russell Friedman, executive director of the Grief Recovery Institute, in Sherman Oaks, California. Wait until your child tells you he's ready.